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Your survival guide to living in America under President Donald Trump

In a shocking upset Donald Trump has broken the orange ceiling and become the first fake and bake President of the United States.

For supporters, it must be difficult for you to accept this result, as you’ve been telling us the system is rigged. So if you’re not sure if he should be President – I’m sure the rest of the world won’t mind if he just stands aside.

As that’s unlikely, here are some things to prepare for now that we have arrived at the end of a hellish campaign and reached the apocalypse. Sorry, the result.

As America, and the world, wake up to a new order – Trump and his incoming administration prepare to make rabid changes. Rapidly.

For some surviving in Trump’s America will be much easier. Since the campaign was run to make America Great Again, we can only assume, from the tone of Trump’s campaign, that was when white people were much more clearly in charge. If you can tick the Caucasian box, well done. You’re on your way to be being great. Again.

If you are from an ethnic minority (orange coloured skin is not a problem) and have ever eaten a taco, it might be good to stay at home. Plus that will make it easier for the deportation force to know where to find you.

If your name is Hillary, Bill and Chelsea prepare for a visit from the TBI (Trump Bureau of Interrogation). They will be issuing an arrest warrant and providing complimentary water(boarding). The charge will be corruption related to your emails and the Clinton Foundation – as well as the new charge of “Suspicion of Making America Less Great Again.”

Many people will be on the new TBI watch list to make sure America stays great. The list will start with all those millions of people who voted for “Crooked” Hillary.

Keep an eye out for the new plaque which is set to be unveiled at the base of the Statue of Liberty. Instead of “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses” it will say, “Give me those who want to invest in new hotels”. Rather than, “Huddled masses yearning to breathe free” it will say “Those who can afford them breathe with masks because we’re going to stop battling climate change”. And instead of “Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed” it will say “Send me only people that look like us and don’t talk funny.”

If you’re Muslim in America, or a Muslim who wants to come to America, don’t worry – there will not be a ban. There will soon be “Extreme Vetting”, a new reality show on Trump TV. The first contest will include challenges such as swimming and a long distance marathon. The prize will be a flight back to wherever you came from.

As Trump stated many times on Twitter, only he knows how to defeat Isis, fix the American economy and do trade deals. Now he’s going to finally enact all those plans. They are great plans. But doing them will cost money.

So he will be closing most of the federal government. Don’t think of it as a bankruptcy as they don’t know what they are doing anyway. From now on if anyone has any problems, just tweet Donald and the problem is solved.

Remember – for those people who didn’t support Trump, do not panic. Because if you do have a panic attack, after Trump repeals Obamacare, you will have a record of having a pre-existing condition.

Trump has won the argument. If you didn’t vote for him, SAD. Now we get to wait and see how high the wall gets built, how great America will be, and if Trump really cares about America – or if he has just been trying to grab it by the pussy.

That’ll be great to watch. I’m just glad I’ll be watching it from somewhere else.

This blog originally appeared in Indy Voices here

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